If you've been following my Insta you know I write a lot about the inner work needed to find and sustain healthy relationship. I also write about how to sustain healthy relationship once you've found someone.
I believe romantic relationships are vehicles for personal transformation and the biggest place I've healed and transformed in my relationships is my need to find security through my partners. Feeling unsupported or abandoned if they weren't able to give me the time and attention I wanted. Thinking if I could just have more time and attention...then I'd be OK.
Well here we are. Forcibly confined to the home 24/7. There is some part of me that recognizes that this is my perfect fantasy. Some part of me that recognizes this is all I've ever thought I wanted. To have a reason to be with each other and engaging all the time since I often get stuck believing there is never enough.
This is an unhealed part of myself. It's a part of me that got confused early on about how to esteem myself in healthy ways and find safety and security within. What I've noticed over the last 7 days (we began social distancing Friday) is that the same unhealed part is getting poked even as we are confined to our home.
He wants to step out and take a walk around the block on his own. I feel it. He is in another room focusing on work most of the day. I feel it. He lets me know after eating lunch together that it's time to get back to work. I feel it. He wants to hop on a virtual meditation group for a few hours. I feel it.
My point is I’m getting a deeper knowledge of myself and this unhealed part during the pandemic. Because of my longterm relationship recovery work cognitively I knew, “Even if I was locked in a room with my BF for the rest of my life it still wouldn’t be enough.” Now, I’m getting to experientially know it.
It’s both terrifying and freeing.
Terrifying to let go on a deeper level the idea that nothing outside myself, even my partner, can heal this part of me. Freeing because I have a direct path to boundless self-love and a stable interdependent partnership.