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The Final F*ck U of 2022?!

Happy New Years Eve to you! I'm curious how you're feeling the day before we usher in a whole new year? As I survey myself on NYE 2022, I’m reminded of three emotional states/modes I’ve tended to be in on any given NYE. #1: Party Mode #2: Reflection/Gratitude Mode #3: F*ck It Mode

1. Party Mode: This the mode I recall before I started my recovery, healing and embodiment journey. My primary goals on NYE in this mode was to get as decked out as possible, take as many pictures to post on Facebook as possible and get as inebriated as possible to celebrate the new year because... YOLO and LIFE WAS GOOD. 2. Reflection/Gratitude Mode: This is the mode I shifted into after I got sober and started becoming more embodied. NYE was a bit quieter because the drugs and alcohol were out of my life. I also had a practice of writing and looking inward so there was an element of excitement with the process of looking back and looking forward at the good and the struggle of the year all the while holding onto the perfection of it all. 3. F*ck It Mode: Sigh…this is the mode that sometimes got paired with High Energy Party Mode as a means to medicate emotional pain. I’d usually approach NYE in the F*ck t Mode if the end of the year had a lot of struggle, challenge and heartbreak. I’d go into the new year giving a big middle finger to the last year… #goodriddens

I woke up this morning and asked myself what mode I’m in this year. What came to me was something that felt very true… I’m moving between gratitude/reflection mode and f*ck it mode. And it’s a gorgeous process. I have a lot I could toss in the dumpster and set fire to from 2022:

  • The breakup

  • Chronic health stuff

  • Changes and challenges in my family

I have a lot to reflect on and be grateful for from 2022:

  • Lessons and gifts from the struggle from the year

  • My amazing support system

  • Deep spiritual growth

  • Profound emotional growth

  • New Car

  • Increased income

  • More clarity and authenticity in my business

Just to name a few…

Here’s what I’ve noticed in my process when it comes to shifting between these two modes: (And it’s important to note that these modes aren't limited to NYE. They apply all the time. You can always stop and ask yourself, "How am I approaching Life and the things happening inside me right now?") Back to what I’m noticing… My spiritual condition determines how I engage with my emotions and the state or mode I’m in at any given moment. By spiritual condition I mean how much do I TRUST IN / BELIEVE IN / HAVE FAITH IN the belief that every crappy thing happening right now is part of a bigger design that is ultimately FOR me???

Here’s a recent example: I was coasting along in Reflection/Gratitude mode for days before I went to visit my family for Christmas. Life was feeling good even with the grief and challenges I’m moving through. I was connected to my big Vision and purpose after a workshop I taught. My health was feeling managable. My thoughts? "Wow, what a year it’s been." "I see so many lessons." "I trust the process." "Look at all I have to be grateful for." Then… on Christmas Day I realized I had shingles and proceeded to grow a gnarly, painful rash on my neck and face over the next few days. My first thought upln realizing this? OH, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE FINAL F*CK YOU OF 2022! Who was I talking to? God. The Universe. Higher Power. The Divine. Spirit. Life. The Process. (whatever you want to call it) I was talking to that thing, that force, that energy that I believe in that guide, directs and organizes my life. The shingles knocked me down and sent me into F*ck It Mode and into a headspace of being punished, abandoned, cursed and never getting a break. Can you relate to this experience?

I’m home now and still treating my health stuff and noticing my shifting emotional states and modes on NYE. Today I wanted to share two ways I’m navigating it and keeping my spiritual condition fit: 1. Let yourself be pissed, but don’t direct it towards others: I’m pissed I look the way I do on NYE. I’m not feeling super comfortable going out and being seen right now. I’m pissed about the physical pain I’m in. I’m pissed at the timing. I’m pissed that I’ve worked so hard to move through struggle and that at the very end of the year I'm dealing with this. Let yourself be angry. Let it move through you like water and eventually it will drain out. Explore healthy ways to express anger without hurting yourself and others. 2. Remember the blue sky: This is a concept I got from Headspace (the meditation app). When I learned this it blew my mind. What I learned and continue to remember is that the blue sky (which I understand to be peace, serenity, gratitude) is ALWAYS there (available) even when dark storm clouds and rain (challenge and struggle) are pummeling us. I do this when my F*ck It Mode is particularly strong. I like to imagine myself sitting cross-legged in the mud with rain pouring down on me and watching myself in my mind’s eye float up up up toward the sky. Through the rain, the clouds and reaching that blue sky. What I like about this practice is that I don’t bypass the storm clouds (the challenge) at all. They are still there and I’ll still need to be with them. The blue sky helps me remember I can shift my relationship to the struggle by tapping into that peace, serenity and gratitude at any moment.

So, I‘m still not sure what I’m doing tonight lol but I do know that I’m navigating my states well and welcoming it all. Options for tonight? I could put a mask on and a dress and join friends for a mocktail. I could watch the ball drop on TV alone surrounded by my favorite comfort foods. I could pull tarot cards, light candles and get super witchy with it.I could go to sleep. It would all be perfect.

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