Why Doing Less Is Emotionally Complicated
- M I C H E L E
- Jul 5
- 4 min read
In this week’s newsletter, I shared a story about a spring autoimmune flare and the unexpected way it showed up in my life.
The physical symptoms got my attention, but what stayed with me was something else entirely.
As my energy declined, my home became more difficult to maintain. Dishes lingered in the sink, paperwork accumulated on surfaces, and tasks that normally felt manageable began requiring more effort. What surprised me wasn’t the clutter itself. What surprised me was how uncomfortable it felt to leave things undone.
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The experience left me sitting with a question I’ve been thinking about ever since:
Why can doing less feel so difficult, even when we know it’s what we need?
The Clutter Wasn’t The Problem
I'm learning that clutter isn't the problem.
Clutter amkes something visible.
The discomfort wasn’t coming from the dishes, the paperwork, or the room itself. It was coming from my relationship with unfinished tasks.
There were a lot of beliefs working over time:
I should feel unsettled if something remained undone.
I should handle it before resting.
Leaving something unfinished was evidence that I wasn’t managing my life properly.
When I looked more closely, I realized those beliefs had very little to do with the dishes.
They were connected to much larger ideas about responsibility, productivity, and worth.
When Productivity And Worthiness Become Entangled
Most of us are not born believing our value is determined by what we accomplish.
We learn it.
Sometimes we learn it through family systems where achievement is praised more readily than rest. Sometimes we learn it through school, where performance is measured, rewarded, and compared. Sometimes we learn it through workplaces that celebrate busyness and long hours. Sometimes we absorb it from a culture that treats exhaustion as a badge of honor.
Over time, these messages accumulate.
Without realizing it, productivity can become linked to responsibility. Accomplishment can become linked to self-worth. Being useful can begin to feel synonymous with being valuable.
Researchers studying workaholism have found that the issue is not simply working long hours. Workaholism is often characterized by an internal compulsion to work, difficulty disengaging from tasks, guilt when resting, and a tendency to derive self-esteem from productivity. In other words, the challenge is not only what we do. It’s the meaning we attach to doing.
When these beliefs become deeply rooted, rest stops feeling neutral.
It starts feeling uncomfortable.
Why Resting Can Feel Unbearable
Many people assume that if they had more free time, they would naturally relax.
That hasn’t been my experience.
The reality is that slowing down can bring a surprising amount of emotional discomfort to the surface.
When we’re accustomed to staying busy, activity can function as a distraction from anxiety, uncertainty, grief, loneliness, or fear. The moment we stop moving, those experiences become easier to feel.
This is one reason rest is often more challenging than it appears.
The discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doing something wrong.
Sometimes it means we’re no longer using productivity to stay one step ahead of what we’re feeling.
Sometimes it means we’re practicing a new way of relating to ourselves.
Responsibility Versus Over-Responsibility
One of the most useful distinctions I’ve encountered is the difference between responsibility and over-responsibility.
Responsibility is healthy.
Paying bills, caring for our homes, showing up for commitments, and contributing to our communities are all part of being an adult.
Over-responsibility is way different.
Over-responsibility happens when we believe everything requires our attention, our effort, or our intervention. It can show up as perfectionism, difficulty asking for help, difficulty delegating, or the feeling that we should be able to carry more than is realistically sustainable.
For some people, over-responsibility develops through caregiving roles. For others, it develops through family dynamics, professional expectations, or early experiences that required them to grow up quickly.
Whatever the origin, the result is often the same.
Rest begins to feel conditional.
It becomes something we allow ourselves after everything else has been handled.
The problem is that everything is never handled.
Life keeps moving.
There will always be another email, another project, another responsibility, or another item on the to-do list.
Waiting until everything is complete before resting is a strategy that guarantees rest remains perpetually postponed.
Flower Allies For Releasing The Need To Keep Going...
The flowers have taught me that restoration goes way beyond the physical.
Often, there are emotional beliefs, patterns, and habits that need attention as well.
Restoration with Olive
Olive supports those who feel depleted after prolonged periods of stress, illness, caregiving, work, or emotional strain. It reminds us that recovery is not separate from vitality. Recovery creates the conditions for vitality to return.
Lavender & Chill with Lavender
Lavender supports the nervous system and can be especially helpful when the body is ready for rest but the mind is still moving.
Rest with Passionflower
Passionflower supports sleep, restoration, and the ability to settle into recovery when exhaustion has become chronic.
Mothered with Mariposa Lily
Mariposa Lily supports the experience of being cared for and nurtured from within. I often think of this flower when perfectionism, self-neglect, or the belief that care must be earned begins to surface.
A Different Question
For much of my life, the question was:
How do I get everything done?
Now I try to ask different questions.
What would genuinely support me right now?
What would be most supportive to my body right now?
What would be most supportive to my mind?
What would be most supportive to my spirit?
Sometimes the answer is action, or rest, or asking for help or allowing something to remain unfinished until I have the capacity to return to it.
I’m discovering that listening for those answers requires far less force than I once believed.
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