Desire and Self-Responsibility

“I want a piece of chocolate cake.” ”I want to build a successful business.” “I want a life partner.” “I want to call out of work again.” “I want to prove to you I’m right.” “I want to sleep with your husband.” “I want to punch you in the face.” About 4 years ago I had an awakening to the force of desire. It was powerful. I was learning how to ask for, go after and have things I didn’t think were possible for me. Through this exploration of desire I had experiences that drastically shifted my thinking about and beliefs of the limitations of my life. It was an amazing feeling.

Exhilarating. Then something began to shift. My relationship to following my desire distorted. I stopped following desire and was driven by something else. I didn’t realize it at the time but an entitlement and selfishness began to slowly overtake me. I kept finding the loophole of “desire” (it wasn’t actually desire) to condone behavior that my soul knew wasn’t aligned with the woman I wanted to be. Over the years I’ve gotten into very good relationship with my soul. Here are two things I’ve learned so far. My soul wants to find balance between her needs/true desires and being of service to others. My soul wants to know what is true deservibility rooted in self-love, self-acceptance and surrender and what is bratty, controlling entitlement. To find the balance and discern here I’ve had to learn a ton about self-responsibility. As much as I don’t want to, I have to accept everyday that I have responsibility. Because I chose to interact with people, have a job, have housemates, have intimate relationships with people I have responsibilities. To myself and to others. It looks like listening to others. It looks like opening to feel my impact. It looks like slowing down for another. It looks like saying I’m sorry. It looks making right the harms I’ve caused. It looks like owning my contribution to a painful situation. All of these have to happen while I follow the things I want in life.