It's you, not me.

Since I left home in 1999 I’ve moved 5 times. Connecticut> Boston> NYC> Austin>San Francisco. On the surface, to others it appeared I left places in search of a better life elsewhere. I want to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with moving places, starting over, reinventing yourself or changing the direction of your life for new opportunities. What I’m coming to understand about the moves I had from 2004 to 2016, the second layer, was that I was running away. As I do deeper self-inquiry and healing it’s becoming clearer to me just how messy and painful my life really was at the moment I decided to move. At the time I took action to move the mess and the pain was covered in a blanket of denial and that denial presented itself as blame. I wasn’t vocal about this but I blamed the people around me who don’t understand me, the guys who I believe broke my heart, the overstimulation of cities, my bad luck and unfortunate circumstances, the people around me who were bad influences etc... In short I blamed everyone and everything and refused to look at my mess and pain. Having mess and pain you blame on something or someone external and then moving and making drastic changes doesn’t work. Because wherever you go, there you are. Since leaving college in Connecticut I’ve been repeating the same patterns in my life that created mess and pain and when I didn’t want to sit in it I ran. The running felt great. Starting fresh felt great. Turning my back on my past, my mess and pain, felt great. But it was all a con. No cheese down that rabbit hole. A hungry ghost. I think you get my point. So my work now isn’t to stay put physically but to stay put emotionally. I want to be free to move and say yes when it feels inspired and empowering. But running away from myself and my feelings isn’t an option anymore.