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I Didn't Disappear...

To everyone who ever wondered where I went... There is something bittersweet about this one. I still have guilt attached to a story that I abandoned people I was once close with when I started healing myself and began waking up. I wouldn’t want my life to look and feel any other way but it’s true, I felt like I disappeared. I physically left places and emotionally left people. At the time self-healing felt a life or death situation. I’m not even trying to be dramatic. My world needed a serious overhaul or else a healthy physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life would stop being possible for me. So I traded things and removed myself from people, places and circumstances that were no longer aligned with the direction I wanted to go. The direction of self-healing. Sometimes I was met with understanding and encouragement. Other times I was met with guilt-tripping disguised as teasing. And other times I was met with real sadness, grief and longing. Feeling that impact was the hardest to stay present with. This spot of healing is definitely a work in progress. What I’m learning about this experience is that changing and growing yourself is an inside job and will impact the people around you. I’m recognizing that I bumbled this process a few times by tipping into spiritual superiority - “I’m better than you because I’m bettering myself.” - or distancing myself emotionally - “It’s too hard to stay open and connected to you and choose myself and my path.” For this I am sorry. I wish I had more tools, awareness and courage. I didn’t at the time and I see my impact. At the same time self-healing had brought an immense amount of self-compassion into my life. I get to acknowledge how I showed up and let it go too. Because the truth is I was doing the best I could and they where too.


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